Start was Unknown Because I was Unaware
It started up after, I conceived fourth baby. Trouble started after thing and planning to manage two sons having age of ten and six and a half years respectively and one daughter which was three and a half years old. The biggest issue while managing was getting up early morning, preparing lunch boxes for elder son, helping them to prepare for school and preparing breakfast for them and for my husband. After the departure of my sons to school awaking my small little doll and helping her in washing and feeding.
Start of Problems
As the time was passing, I started becoming more and more irritating. I husband supported me to in preparing them for school and their lunch boxes. Despite all provided support by my husband I was not able to compose myself. I become more and more irritating with the passage of time. I started unnecessary shouting for nothing, and could feel the harshness in my nature which was not in my control. I was behaving very abnormally and I started hating myself for such behavior which was not under my control. At time any simple requests by my kids, led me to sudden unexpected and unwarranted anger. At time hearing from my kids “Mama, my copy is not there in my bag or I’m hungry,” could bring me into a uncontrollable degree of anger. It was the time when I wanted to beat myself in stomach to damage my coming baby, but then I used to control myself. This control was only limited to a few minutes until I came across another demand from another kid. Ultimate finding is that I hate myself for being so mean. Although I loved my kids and I never wanted to be cruel to them, but yelling and shouting time again was making my life nervous, uncomfortable and stressed.
Changes in Behavior
It was the time that I developed a habit of becoming angry, intolerant, aggressive and careless. I started thinking that I am a terrible person who do not care about no one including himself. I started thinking that I am alone and no body care for me. It was the time that I started believing that I am stressed, and passing through the stage of anxiety disorder, which has made me so arrogant and aggressive. Despite the fact I was accepting that there is something wrong with me. I started thinking about my kids who I thought might be upset because of my unacceptable behavior.
Attempt to End Life
This was the turning point which compelled me to end my life. I reached a store and purchased sleeping pills. I came home and locked the door from inside and went to bed room with a glass of water. I was a out to kill myself and my young baby which was of four month in my belly. I was going through an unwanted situation where I started thinking about the life of my kids me. I of sudden I got a call from my friend Silvie. Despite the fact I want to avoid her call but I attended the call. As I said hello on my mobile, I started crying and weeping.
Start of Recovery
It is human nature that everyone finds out in solution for their problem in some way or other. Maybe it’s an article in book or on internet. A time is can be friend. I found out from my friend Silvie followed by psychiatrist who was checking on my postpartum stress and anxiety. During investigation by my psychiatrist, I finally let my secret spilling out. “I feel so bad for my husband, kids, rest everybody” I told my psychiatrist, “I have no feeling and patience for anymore close to me.” In reply psychiatrist very gently with very calm voice “It’s symptoms of stress and anxiety disorder,” sometimes anxiety manifests as stress, which manifests as anger. You aren’t angry at your husband, kids and your daily routine. You’re terrified, said my psychiatrist. I responded it was very much I shouted, shouted and shouted. At the same time I also told my psychiatrist and friend Silvie that I love my kids and I want to be a normal and caring Mom for them but I failed poorly to prove myself a good mother. Today I am a sick and abnormal women. I really feel the way my kids and husband bare my abnormal behavior. Today after two years, I am still taking medicines for anxiety, which has gone from postpartum anxiety to generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). I did not suddenly become an angry woman. I did not developed a problem of short temperedness. I was anxious and frightened. This may not be about my kids, it may be about something which was not aware of. Now I think that it was initially stress which made me angry and irritating which further led to anxiety.
The depression starts from stress, which leads to anxiety. A stage where you find the tension building, feel the fear or panic (or both) rising as the anger in your mind. Disorder and jumbling in particular can send many of us into a whirlpool of anger and discomfort.
During this stage of anxiety I was frightened, terrified and had a life full of miseries. All these points forced me to a situation where I decided to take my life. Still I am terrified from thinking that I may go again in the life which will be full of confusion. The impact of past period is still in my mind. But now I am trying to remain composed with my kids and try to enjoy the mess which they cause in their room.
Today I think that everybody leaving in this world is passing through various stress factors. Any person who manages these stress factors will have a very pleasant life. Those who are unable to manage these stress factors will face anxiety. If the anxiety persist for longer period of time than it become depression. For those suffering anxiety, it is easy to recover. In case of depression it takes longer to recover.
At the end I shall say that we all must understand to it means to live with stress factors around us which leads to anxiety disorder that manifests as stress and anger. Every day, we try to cover our emotions. This is the basic thing which we must understand and mange by some of the points given below:-
Keep noting changes in your behaviors (Your own observations or points observed by other)
Chew gum once you feel some sort of stress or go to ground for play football etc.
Must give time to your family and friends.
Keep laughing and learn to say NO.
Learn to Avoid Procrastination.
Listen to Soothing Music.
Exercise taking deep breaths.